I'm Going To Eat You, Little Fishie
by bethamphetamine
Summary: The Boyz from the Dwarf crash to Earth and come across Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy and Tripitaka on their holy quest in my first attempt at on-line fan fiction. Have a read and let me know what you thought!
1. Boyz In The Bug

"Engaging reheat," said the Cat, flicking the appropriate toggle switches. 

"And we are . . . go!" exclaimed Lister as Starbug moved out of Loading Bay 21, avoiding all doors, walls and other stationary objects to hurtle out of the bulbous monstrosity that was Red Dwarf and into deep space. 

"Gentlemen, humour me. What exactly is this expedition in aid of?" Rimmer asked, still grumpy after Holly denied his request for a hologramatic version of Inflatable Ingrid. 

"Hol says there's some kind of whirly spacy thing around the area," Lister replied. "And knowing our luck with whirly spacy things, it may be something interesting. I'm tired of Junior Angler." 

"It could also be a smeggy great waste of time," Rimmer retorted. "Ask him to re-check the radar. It was probably another of Lister's congealed sneezes on the screen." 

"Mr Rimmer sir, there is definitely something out there," Kryten interjected from the navi-comp, punching away at the keyboard, and occasionally buffing a key with a soft cloth. "From what I can see it appears to be - well, a whirly spacy thing, sir." 

"There's definitely something there," the Car remarked. "My nostril hairs are quivering faster than a fat woman's ass on a Treadmill." 

"Oh great," Rimmer sighed. "Whirly spacy thing, here we come." 

"And there she is," remarked Lister. Sure enough, a mere few clicks away, was a soft shimmery type glitch in the smooth void of space, which could only be described as a whirly spacy thing. 

"Well, now what?" asked Rimmer. "Just dive right in, I suppose." 

"Orright, lads?" Holly's pixelised image appeared on the cockpit's vid-screen. "Ah, there's that whirly spacy thing I was talking about. Pretty, innit?" 

"What do you suggest we do, Hol?" asked Lister. 

"Just dive right in, I suppose," said Holly. "Can't be any worse that any of the other smeg we've come across." 

"Sirs, I agree with Holly," said Kryten. "Statistics of our previous encounters with space phenomena show the odds to be remarkably in our favour of encountering something useful or at the very least, interesting." 

"Quick census," said Rimmer, making counting gestures with his hands "Hmm, interesting results. Sane persons, 1. Complete smegging nutters, 3." 

"Oh, come on Rimmer, we're going in, alright?" said Lister. "Let's go, Cat." 

"Alriiiggghhht!" said the Cat, firing the thrusters and sending Starbug shooting in the direction of the whirly spacy thing. 


	2. Boyz On The Road

"Pigsy, you are so very ugly!" Monkey snapped irritably. He was tired of walking, and Tripitaka had refused him the use of his cloud, claiming he needed to learn about patience and tolerance for his fellow travellers. There was nothing that could physically stop him from whistling up his cloud, except for that infuriatingly calm look on Tripitaka's smooth face. 

"Monkey . . ." began Sandy, placatingly. 

"And you, Sandy are so very ugly as well!" Monkey was in no mood for being soothed and poked his staff into Sandy's guts.

"Monkey! No fighting!" said Tripitaka sternly. 

Monkey sulked. "I, Monkey, great sage equal of heaven, am sick of this walking!" 

"We're all tired," said Tripitaka, patiently. 

"Bah! Alright for some, who get to ride on a horse all day," muttered Monkey under his breath and was pleased to note an expression of guilt cross Tripitaka's face. 

The group trudged along the winding, stony path, Pigsy occasionally batting rocks away with his curiously-shaped weapon, Monkey swinging his staff petulantly, Tripitaka riding serenely atop the grey horse and Sandy plodding along behind, looking gloomy as usual. 

Suddenly, from surrounding boulders, leapt a small group of black-clad ninjas, who danced around threateningly, blocking the road and looking generally menacing.

"Halt!" barked Monkey. "You dare to cross our paths, and disrupt our spiritual journey?" 

The head ninja spoke. "Give us the horse or we will kill your priest!"Monkey grinned, no longer bored, and began swinging his staff in earnest. Behind him, Pigsy and Sandy had their weapons at the ready. 

"Are you ready . . ."


	3. Earth?

". . . to rumble?" Lister sang along to one of his own Smeg And The Head bootlegs and then threw his headphones off in amazement as the planetoid they were heading towards became more familiar. 

"Kryters, is that what I think it is?" 

"If you're referring to Earth, I believe so, sir." Kryten replied. Holly nodded his digitalised balding head in agreement. 

"Yep, that's what it is. Earth," he confirmed. 

"But when, what dimension and what's so wacky about this one?" Lister mused to himself, remembering Backwards World. 

"Why is it we're always bound for Earth?" remarked Rimmer. "I'm from Io. I've been to Earth once on a school field trip. Kryten was manufactured from some factory on Mimas and the Cat is a true citizen of the colony Red Dwarf. It's only you, Lister who actually comes from Earth and that was well over three million years ago!" 

"It's me home, man!" Lister replied. "Your ancestors came from there. Cat's ancestors came from there. Kryten's manufacturers came from there. It's the home of humankind, man!"

"Hold on, buds! We're going to . . .!" Cat's belated warning was cut short, as Starbug landed heavily on some primitive landscape, " . . . land!" he finished brightly as Lister, Kryten and Rimmer picked themselves up from the cockpit floor. 

Stepping out of the airlock, the first thing they heard was a babble of frantic gibberish and the sounds of clanging metal.

"Sounds like somebody's enjoying a rumble!" Lister observed. 

"Oh! I forgot my . . ." Rimmer quickly dashed back inside to the safety of Starbug's cockpit.

"Testicles?" Lister called back after him and shook his head, wondering yet again how someone virtually indestructible could be such a smegging coward.


	4. Face Off

Monkey, Sandy and Pigsy made short work of the ninja gang and the group started again on their way. Monkey was in a much better frame of mind after some spirited ninja beating and so did not immediately spring into fight-mode when they encountered the green craft and it's occupants. 

Lister, Cat, Rimmer and Kryten faced up to Monkey, Sandy, Pigsy and Tripitaka. 

"I am Monkey, great sage equal of Heaven!" proclaimed Monkey by way of introduction. 

"Lister," replied Lister. "This is Rimmer, Kryten and - Cat? What the smeg are you doing??"

Cat had a look of animal hunger in his eyes, and was carefully polishing his personal cutlery set. 

"I'm going to eat you, little fishie!" he sang at Sandy, who looked alarmed as Cat bared his fangs and licked his lips. 

"Cat! You're not eating him!" The Cat sulked and brightened when he caught a whiff of pork. Swivelling his gaze around to Pigsy, he continued to sing. 

"I'm going to eat you, little piggy!" Pigsy had other ideas and brandished his weapon, which passed harmlessly through Rimmer's jiggling right leg.

"Cat, no!" Lister pulled him back.

"Ter-smegging-riffic," sighed Rimmer. "We've landed on Planet of the Apes, Pigs and er -" he gestured at Sandy, "gloomy looking chaps that reek of fish."

"Sandy is a fish monster," supplied Tripitaka in an unfailingly placid voice.

"Fish monster, eh? How lovely," Rimmer beamed. "Isn't anyone smegging human around here??"

"Humans! Bah!" Monkey snorted. "You yourself are not even human! I saw Pigsy's staff past through your leg, you are a spirit or a demon! And you -" he turned to Kryten, who was doing his best to look as non-metallic as possible and failing miserably "- you are made of metal! A metal demon, a cat monster and -" turning to Lister, he suddenly smiled "- a Monkey!" 


	5. They Came From Outer Space

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002

As petrified as he was, Rimmer could not help but bray laughter at someone else describing Lister as a monkey. Lister himself was unperturbed. 

"This is Earth, yeah?" he asked Tripitaka, who seemed to be the knowledgeable, Kryten-like figure of the group. 

"Yes," smiled Tripitaka. "We are in China, and on our way to India to retrieve the holy scriptures"

"India?" Visions of vindaloos and pappadums danced in front of Lister. The chance to maybe try a genuine shami kebab from the home of the hot stuff . . . how often did that arise when you're 3 million years into deep space?

"Oh, here we go," Rimmer sighed deeply. "Seduction by shami."

"Well, why not?" Lister asked. "We could give them a lift in Starbug"

"Mmmmarvellous idea, Listy! Smegtacular! Two words . . . Poly Morph. Has it escaped your rather inadequate excuse for a brain that introduced species onto Starbug usually means trouble??"

Monkey, Sandy, Pigsy and Tripitaka were all looking confused to say the least. Finally Pigsy spoke.

"Starbug?"

"It's our vehicle, sir" said Kryen. "It's a transport unit from the mining ship Red Dwarf."

Rimmer rolled his eyes violently, clearly indicating what he thought of Kryten's explanation.

"These people are on foot, lavvydroid – with a horse as transport. I don't think they'll be that savvy with the Jupiter Mining Corps method of transportation." He turned to the four and said in his idiots-and-foreigners voice, "We fly from sky, you understand?" He waved his hand around above his head. "Fly high in sky. We come from the sky!!"

"You come from Heaven??" Sandy asked, shocked out of his usual mopeyness. Monkey narrowed his eyes.

"Could this be a test from Buddha?" he asked. "Have you come to take our place on this quest?"

"No Monkey. Buddha would have told me if our quest was to finish," said Tripitaka. 

"What goalpost-head means, is that we come from waaaaaay up in the sky, buds. You know, where it's all black and stuff? Past Heaven man, we left those dudes for dust!" Cat chuckled. "Man, these guys are not going to grasp the concept of flying any more than Neil Diamond could grasp the fact that flared slacks were never making a comeback!"

Monkey snorted.

"Flying? Any fool can fly!" With that, he pursed his lips, blew a stream of air out, waved forefinger and index finger in front of them and kind of saluted the sky. With a zap, a small pink cloud appeared, hovering at around the height of a three-storey building. Without effort, Monkey leapt nimbly onto it and began zooming around, showing off.


	6. Still Hungry

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002

The Red Dwarf Posse looked on in amazement as Monkey flew around above their heads, performing a variety of agile moves on board the pink cloud. Eventually, Tripitika put an end to the display by muttering softly with head bowed and eyes closed. A cry of pain from the cloud rider brought him back down to Earth with a thud, clutching the gold band around his head.

"Ahhhh da da da da da!!" Monkey gibbered. Tripitaka stopped, as did the pain in Monkey's head. 

Monkey also muttered something under his breath that Kryten translated as "holy fool." 

Pigsy and Sandy exchanged silent smirks. Tripitaka, through prayer, was able to constrict the band of gold around Monkey's head, causing him pain. This had come in handy a lot of times to get Monkey to pull his head in. Through analysis and a quick revision of his notes under Buddhism, Kryten realised that in fact, the leader of the party was in fact Tripitaka who was a priest, with Monkey, Sandy and Pigsy his disciples. Kryten also discovered something very strange about Tripitaka which he thought he better not mention as it seemed rather personal.

"Very impressive, Mr Monkey, sir," said Kryten, sensing the need to placate the ape. Monkey looked a little happier.

"That is nothing!" he scoffed and proceeded to shrink his staff and tuck it behind his ear. The Starbug crew were impressed. Monkey went for the big finish and was about to pluck a hair from his chest and call up an army of miniature Monkey fighters but was halted by Cat, growing hungry and impatient, clanging his cutlery together.

"Man, isn't there anything to eat here that doesn't talk?" he asked. 

"True wisdom," Pigsy nodded in agreement. He thought this cat monster had the right idea, now that he didn't seem to be in any danger of being on the menu. Not to mention the thirst a Pig had to suffer on the road.

 "There is a small village and an inn just down the road, where we are headed," said Tripitaka. "Perhaps you would like to join us for a meal?" 

Pigsy and the Cat both wondered if there might be any nice girls at the inn.

Lister looked at the rest of his crew who were making no violent protestations and nodded. "Sure, sounds great. I'll just let Holly know. You guys want to come in, see the place?"

He ducked inside Starbug and the rest of the party followed. Rimmer grimly brought up the rear. If one of the new acquaintances started a killing rampage inside, at least he would have some chance of bolting before they turned to him.


	7. Holly's Surprise

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002

It was rather a tight squeeze in the Bug with all eight of them inside. Yu-Lung, the horse, electing to stay outside.

Monkey tried not to look impressed by the electronics, lights and gadgets inside as if he stepped into futuristic space craft every day when he wasn't battling evil demons. Sandy found it a little harder to maintain his composure when Holly's image appeared on one of the screens.

"Ahhhh!!!" Sandy shrieked as Holly's digital eyes rested on him. "A demon!!" 

"You fool!" Monkey said, sensing Sandy's naivety as the others looked at him, startled. "It is a guiding spirit!"

"Whatever," said Lister. "This is Holly. Holly, this is Monkey . .  ."

"Great Sage Equal of Heaven," interjected Monkey.

"Right. And er . . ." he gestured at Pigsy.

"Pigsy, Martial of the Heavenly Host!" 

"And . . ." 

"Sandy, Commander of the Heavenly Host," said Sandy.

"And . . ."

"Tripitaka," said Tripitaka, modestly omitting any title and bowing. Holly bowed his head in return and smiled.

"Mahayana Buddhist Priest, eh?" he said. "How does that go, alright?"

"It is an ongoing quest for enlightenment," replied Tripitaka pleasantly.

"On the way to India for the holy scriptures, I suppose," Holly continued. "That must give you some laughs." Tripitaka smiled.

Rimmer was surprised enough that Holly's remaining IQ still retained a few sparks of savvy and said so.

"Exactly how is it, Monsieur Holly, that you know so much about these people when you can't even remember all 26 letters of the alphabet?"

"Is it 26 now?" Holly looked genuinely surprised. "Which ones have they dropped?"

Rimmer made a snort-like sound which clearly expressed disgust.

"By the way lads, it seems we're in another parallel universe," he remarked casually. This phrase meant nothing to the Monkey, Pig, Priest or Fish but the others were both surprised and alarmed.

"What kind of parallel universe exactly, Hol?" asked Lister. "I'm not going to end up preggers again am I?" Holly chuckled.

"Funny, that was," he mused. "No, well, it's obvious, innit. You lads can work it out for yourselves. I'm teaching myself how to crochet." With that, his image disappeared from the screen and Rimmer mentally rested his "Holly is a computer-senile " case.


	8. Finally, A Feed!

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002

Leaving Holly to his crocheting, they set off to the inn Tripitaka had mentioned. Lister's own stomach had joined Cat and Pigsy's in growling and he was looking forward to a feed and maybe finding out more about how to get to India.

A young lady met them at the door of the inn.

"Ohhh, look! A woman!" giggled Pigsy, excitedly. 

"Back off, Pig," growled the Cat and slunk up to the girl who shrank away slightly as Cat bared his gleaming white teeth in what he knew was a killer smile.

"Hey, baby," he said. "What can you do for a hungry Cat?"

"Soup of the day is shark fin," said the girl. "Fish of the day is . . . "

"Fish!" beamed Cat, forgetting his seduction attempt for a moment in favour of food. "Lead the way, lady! Table for eight! Actually, make it nine . . ." he smiled at her, slyly. "I feel lucky!"

"That's enough, Cat," said Lister. "Table for eight, please." He marvelled that the girl didn't seem to think there was anything odd about the fact their party consisted of a monkey, a pig, a cat, a gloomy looking chap, a tall neurotic-looking guy wearing a shiny "H" on his forehead, a man made of metal . . . and his dashing, charming, human self.  

They were soon seated and food and wine was being served. Everyone ate hungrily after Tripitaka had performed grace. Rimmer looked on disgustedly as Pigsy and Lister gobbled ravenously. Sandy ate quite normally (avoiding fish products), Cat ate daintily as usual, after his usual sing-and-taunt routine and Kryten was wiping the table down.

The subject of the quest to India came up and Tripitaka explained. 

"In the Worlds before Monkey, primal chaos reigned. Heaven sought order, but the Phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown. The four worlds formed again and yet again, as endless aeons wheeled and passed. Time, and the pure essences of Heaven, the moistures of the Earth, and the powers of the Sun and the Moon all worked upon a certain rock - old as Creation, and it magically became fertile. That first egg was named Thought. Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha, said, 'With our thoughts we make the world.' Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch, from it then came a stone Monkey. The nature of Monkey was irrepressible!"

"Then I became King Monkey!" Monkey interjected. "Don't forget that part."

"Monkey got on the wrong side of the Jade Emperor," Sandy supplied. "So they had to give him odd jobs in Heaven to keep him out of trouble!" Monkey frowned.

"He ate the sacred peaches when he was supposed to be looking after the garden!" chuckled Pigsy. "Even I, a pig spirit would not be that stupid!"

"Now, Pigsy," said Tripitaka, "You are not without reproach yourself. None of us are. Monkey was sent to escort me on my journey to India and the scriptures. It was the destiny of Pigsy and Sandy to join us."

Kryten had been puzzling over Holly's parallel universe comment. He looked around the table. Pigsy and the Cat were nudging each other, winking and blowing kisses to the various serving girls. Sandy and Rimmer were exchanging their mutually pessimistic views and nodding in agreement with each other. Monkey and Lister were having a good natured arm wrestle across the table, and he and Tripitaka sat quietly, studying the rest.

The answer dawned on Kryten like Jupiter's glow over Io on a clear morning. Should he let the others know, or let them figure out their own enlightenment?


	9. Table Talk

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002

Tripitaka had revealed a little more about their holy quest.

"Buddha has sent us to India to reveal the holy Buddhist scriptures. We are to bring them back and have them translated. It is a very important quest, and one I am honoured to have been chosen for, although the journey will be many miles and take many years."

"Easy!" said Lister. "We'll fire up Starbug, shoot off to India, grab the scriptures, run them through Holly for a translation, step out for some curry and then deliver them on over to Buddha. No problem, man!"

Monkey, Pigsy and Sandy looked very eager at the prospect of not finishing the journey on foot, battling roadside ninjas, demons and other irritating pedestrians and turned to Tripitaka hopefully. Tripitaka's face remained impassive.

"Lister, you gitty little gimboid, you're forgetting one thing," said Rimmer.

"I agree with Mr Rimmer, sir," said Kryten. "Buddha has assigned this quest not only to retrieve the scriptures but to achieve enlightenment. This has as much to do with the journey itself as it does with the scriptures, and cannot be obtained by catching a lift in a space vessel. Isn't that what you were going to say, Mr Rimmer?"

"Yes, of course I was, Kryen," snapped Rimmer. In reality, he had been thinking more along the lines that Starbug was crowded and odorous enough with merely Lister on board, as well as Cat and Kryten, never mind a menagerie of other creatures and a fellow in an unnecessarily large and pointy hat.

"That is correct, Mr Kryten. We cannot accept your offer. Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy, you understand?" Pigsy and Sandy nodded glumly whereas Monkey stared off blankly into space.

"Monkey?" asked Tripitaka. Monkey gave no indication he was aware of the conversation.

"Monkey," said Tripitaka, a little more firmly. Monkey picked up his chopsticks and began tapping out a beat on his rice bowl.

"Monkey!" Tripitaka's voice had become unusually sharp. Monkey's only reaction was to tap his glass occasionally for a cymbal effect. Pigsy and Sandy knew what was coming and sure enough, Tripitaka began the headache sutra.

"AAAHHHHH!!! Da da da da !!" Monkey squealed and clutched the headband. "Yes, alright!! Okay!! We won't go with them, stop stop!!" Tripitaka stopped immediately and Monkey was relieved of the pain. Rimmer wondered if Tripitaka might teach him the headache sutra and if he had any spare headbands lying around. He could bribe the Cat to fit one to Lister's stupid fat head and anytime he even looked like picking up his guitar or cranking up some Rasta Billy Skank – bam!! Headache el grande. Rimmer chuckled as his mind wandered through fantasy land, suggesting more and more devious things he could force Lister to do under his control. 

"I could even make him eat his own boxer shorts!" 

Was that out loud? Rimmer wondered. Judging by the rest of the table falling silent and looking at him quereously, he decided it must have been and coughed loudly to cover his mistake. "Err, so that was a no, right?"

"That is right," said Tripitaka. "Thank you for your kind offer but we must decline."

"That's okay," said Lister, sadly. "It's just that – "

"It's just that Lister is obsessed with Indian food and would happily risk our lives to get his grubby little paws on a shami kebab," interjected Rimmer. "He'd sacrifice our collective necks for the pleasure of dribbling authentic curry sauce down his front, he'd give us all up to be able to consume his own weight in pappadums . . ."

"Hey man, that's a lot of pappadums!" giggled the Cat, and Pigsy snorted with laughter. He was enjoying not being the target of all the fat jokes.

"Almost as many as it would take for Pigsy to do the same," said Monkey, earning a dark look from Pigsy, who resigned himself to the fact he would still cop some of the pig gags.

"Guys, guys, take it easy, alright?" Lister seemed mildly offended. "It's not just about the food. I just get this feeling in my gut, I need to go to India. I need to make that quest!"

Kryten listened to this and felt it was time he revealed what he knew about the planet they were on.

  
 ***

A/N: Is anyone reading this? If they are, please review or get a kiss from Pigsy . . .


	10. Surprise, Surprise

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002

"Sirs, as Holly mentioned before, we appear to have landed in another parallel universe," Kryten said. "This is in fact, not Earth. It's a close approximation of it, called Gandarah."

"What? You believe that smeg-for-RAM excuse for a computer?" Rimmer said in disbelief. By the looks on the faces of Lister and the Cat, is was clear they hadn't paid much mind to Holly's off-hand remark either. 

"It's true, sir. This is a parallel universe, and Mr Monkey, Mr Pigsy, Mr Sandy and Mr Tripitaka are our parallel selves. With respect sir, any buffoon could work that out!" Kryten was too chuffed at the idea of revealing such an important piece of information to disengage the auto-insult chip Lister had soldered on to his motherboard last week when he was shut down for some routine maintenance. He was now programmed to attach a derogatory comment to every remark addressed to Rimmer, but so far had been successful at overriding it. Rimmer turned an interesting shade of hologramatic pink and began flaring his nostrils rhythmically.

"Gandarah!" Tripitika exclaimed. "That is where the scriptures are! It is a town, a place –"

"Hey, hey, hey!!" interrupted the Cat, "What do you mean, MR Tripitaka? That chick ain't no dude! She's a chick! I would have pulled some moves back on the road, but you know - " he nodded his head at the three disciples, "I wouldn't want to take her away from these three guys!" He grinned. "Jeez, Robo-dork, I would have thought you would have picked that one up!"

Kryten looked as embarrassed as his plasticised features allowed. 

"Of course I realised, I er – just thought I wouldn't mention it, seeing as how we only just met," he said. 

"Don't be such a fool! Of course Tripitaka isn't a woman!! How could he be a priest if he were a woman??" Monkey scoffed. Even Sandy cracked a smirk.

"And I thought I had a lot of wine!" Pigsy chuckled and helped himself to more. "Obviously not enough!"

"Well, let's find out for sure," said the Cat, and vaulted over the table.

"Cat!!" Lister yelled. "Don't you – "

"Oh relax, bud" said the Cat. "I'm not going to strip her – though that outfit – " he shuddered. "I'm just going to confirm what my nose is telling me . . ." Tripitaka shrank away as the Cat grinned lasciviously, "there will be plenty of time for getting clothes off later!" He sniffed delicately at the priest who was wearing an expression of pure terror as well as a pointy hat.

"Yup, definitely, DEFINITELY a female!" he concluded and nimbly returned to his seat. "And Squarehead backs me up on the technical stuff, right?"

"Yes," said Kryten softly, noticing the look of anguish on Tripitaka's face.

"Master? Is this true?" Sandy asked.

"Yes, Master? Is it true? Could you be . . . a woman?" Pigsy couldn't help it but he leered ever so slightly.

"I – I – Yu-Lung needs food. I must go to him," Tripitaka snatched up a bowl of food that Pigsy or Lister were yet to completely devour and ran out of the inn.

Kryten was agonising over an appropriate way to break the silence that ensued but before he could suggest charades or perform his tap-dancing routine to "Yankee Doodle Dandy", the Cat spoke.

"Well!" he said brightly. "That's something you don't see every day!"

"True," agreed Monkey. "Who would have thought? Tripitaka – a priest! Our master! A woman?" Pigsy again leered involuntarily at the reference to a woman.

"Oh, that? No, I was talking about those ugly dudes coming in through the window with swords and stuff,"  said the Cat. Monkey sprung around, whipping his wishing staff out to full size. Pigsy seized his muckrake. Lister and Sandy stood up slowly. Kryten switched to battle mode. Rimmer hid under the table. 

****

A/N: Wow, thanks for the reviews, guys! Now I will actually make an effort to keep the chapters coming.


	11. A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course of Course!

Monkey's wishing staff was certainly a valuable weapon to have. The samurais that had entered the inn through the window were feeling the sharp end of it as Monkey wielded it expertly, knocking the intruders left and right. Pigsy was not too shabby with his muckrake either and dispatched a bad guy heading towards the unarmed Lister, who was already engaged in a punch on. Sandy had a broom-like apparatus which was also being used for the fight against evil. The Cat was up on the table, nimbly prancing around and kicking advancing enemies with his Cuban heels. 

"Sirs, it looks like we are outnumbered!" Kryten said. Being that he was programmed not to harm humans, his "battle mode" as he liked to think of it, consisted of giving what he considered to be helpful advice and strategic planning.

"You think??" Lister threw a right hook, smacked out a baddie and turned to meet the next challenger.

"Ha! Not for long!" Monkey plucked a hair from his chest, blew on it, and soon the room was invaded by an army of miniature Monkeys, all brandishing wishing staffs and looking ready to raise hell.

"I call them Mini-Mes!" explained Monkey, in between swings of the wishing staff. 

The Boyz from the Dwarf looked on in amazement as the petite primates worked in sync with the other three to finish off the gang and then disappeared as quickly as they had come. 

"Now that's what I call a rumble," said Lister, impressed. "Rimmer, you can come out now, you snivelling little scaredy-smeg!" 

Rimmer emerged from under the table in what he thought was a dignified manner. 

"For your information, Dread-Head, I was employing an ancient Oriental battle strategy," he sniffed.

"You sure did some beating, bud!" chuckled the Cat. "Beating a hasty retreat, that is! Man, you were under that table faster than pigs to a trough. No offence, dude," he added, to Pigsy, who didn't seem to mind.

"Sirs, if I may interrupt, hadn't we better check that Mr – er – Ms Tripitaka is okay?" asked Kryten. 

"Of course!" Monkey leapt through the ruined window and the others followed. There was no sign of the priest or the horse in the courtyard.

"The stables," suggested Sandy and they hurried around the back of the inn and into the stables. 

Tripitaka was cowered at the back of the building as a swarthy guy with a long ponytail delivered some spectacular mule kicks to the remaining  two black-clad samurais, sending them flying into the wall, where they collapsed and conveniently lay still.

"Master! Are you alright?" Monkey  trotted over to the frightened priest.

"Oh! Monkey!" sobbed Tripitaka. "You are right, I am a holy fool! Fool to think I could keep up this charade of hiding my true self from my disciples!"

"Now, now, master," said Monkey, clearly uncomfortable at this display of emotion. "We don't need to worry about that right now."

"Yeah, like, what are you going to ride on now, bud? The horse is gone!" observed the Cat. Pigsy, Sandy, Monkey and Tripitaka smiled. 

"Forgive our rudeness," said Sandy. "We forgot to introduce you to Yu-Lung, our horse." The others were clearly confused.

"I am Yu-Lung," said the ponytailed guy, clearing up that issue. After what the Posse had encountered already today, this seemed hardly unusual.

"I don't think is a safe place to stay the night," Yu-Lung said after the introductions had taken place. 

"But the next village is miles away, and night is already falling," Pigsy whined petulantly. 

"Shut-up, Pig," snapped Monkey. "We must think."

"Don't tell Pigsy to shut up for saying what you are thinking, Monkey," said Sandy.

"Silence, water monster!" Monkey was fast becoming irritated.

Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat couldn't help but smirk at the group that liked to argue constantly between themselves, and fast remembered what Kryten had revealed about them being parallel selves.

"Kryters," asked Lister, "how exactly did you know about Tripitaka being a woman and this being a parallel universe?"

"Why, I had the psi-scan, of course," said Kryten. "I am merely a service mechanoid as you know, and am not equipped to scan at will."

"Ah, that clears that up," nodded the Cat. "I wondered how you managed without the benefit of nostril hairs. Or nostrils for that matter!"

The two groups eventually ceased the chatter and turned their thoughts to their accommodations for the night. 

"What about Starbug?" asked Lister.

"We've already been through this, Lister," said Rimmer, exasperated.

"Rimmer, for smeg's sake, would you just listen? I don't mean for travel. I mean just to have a kip. We can work out what to do in the morning."

Rimmer bristled. "Listerrrrrr, it seems you are forgetting Space Corps Directive 2122 which clearly states – "

"That no member of the Space Corps is permitted to re-sell products from the food vending machines except at the weekly Buy-Swap-Sell meet?" Kryten asked. "That's nice of you to remind us of that sir, but I fail to see –"

"Smeg off, you smeggy metal smeghead," Rimmer hissed. "I meant the one about the use of Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicles as countryside B & B's!!"

It was Monkey, Tripitaka, Sandy and Pigsy's turn to smirk at the group that liked to argue constantly between themselves, and then recall the whole parallel selves theory.

"Rimmer, pull your head in," Lister said. "They'll stay with us for the night and that's it. Deal with it!"

Rimmer sulked. If only he was a hardlight hologram, he would give Lister a headache sutra with an iron bar instead of prayer.


	12. Bedtime

Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.3 – March 2002

The group walked back along the road towards the green space vessel without event. Tripitaka rode upon Yu-Lung who had reverted back to his horse form. Everyone was tired from the activities at the inn, so not much was spoken until they reached Starbug and climbed inside.

After hot chocolate was served by Kryten in whatever receptacle was clean and suitable for their guests, thoughts turned to sleep.

Lister volunteered to sleep in one of the reclining pilot chairs – he was used to it after years of boring flights, Rimmer's Risk stories and Kryten's attempts at in-flight entertainment - and offered his bunk up for one of their guests. The Cat, who could sleep anywhere, anytime, offered to do the same. There was also a spare pull-down bunk.  Everyone looked at Rimmer expectantly.  

"But I'm tired too!" Rimmer whined.

"Please, you do not need to sacrifice –" Tripitaka began. Lister cut her off.

"Rimmer, for smeg's sake, you're a hologram. You don't even need a bed to sleep in, you can't feel anything anyway!"

"Oh, thank you very much, Mr Tact," sniffed Rimmer. "As if you know what it's like to be dead. To be treated as less than a person, to not be able to touch, to taste . . . to be shafted out of your rightful bunk . . ." 

"Look, we'll get Holly to simulate something for you, alright?" Lister suggested, and at the mention of his name, Holly appeared on the vid screen. Sandy remained calm.

"Alright, are we?" he asked. "You figure it out yet, or what?"

"Yes, Holly. We are on Gandarah, in a parallel universe and these are our parallel selves," said Kryten, somewhat smugly.

"Oh, well done," said Holly and Kryten beamed. "But that's not quite all. I'll leave you to work that one out too, seeing as how you got the first bit."

"Whatever," said Rimmer exasperated. "Look, I'm completely shagged. Seeing as how I'm giving up my bunk for a complete stranger, how about simulating me a nice queen-sized four-poster?"

"Coming right up!" smirked Holly and disappeared. Against the wall of the cabin appeared a fold-up camp bed with army surplus blankets and standard JMC issue pillow.

"Smegtacular," hissed Rimmer. "Good night." He walked over to the camp bed, kicked off his hologrammatic shoes and got in, rolled over to face the wall and pulled the blankets over his head. 

"Right, then," said Lister, "Now – "

"Some of us are trying to SLEEP!" came the petulant voice from the camp bed.

"Sod off or I'll flush your light bee out with the sanitary waste disposal," said Lister pleasantly. "Now, you guys, follow me." He proceeded to take their guests around Starbug's small interior, demonstrated toilet and shower facilities, bazookoids (with spectacular results when Monkey had a go) and the ongoing Jigsaw Puzzle Championships. 

Finally, everyone was bedded down for the night and all was quiet aboard Starbug.

Tripitaka, although tired from the day's exertions, was finding it a little difficult to sleep. Everyone had been polite and respectful and not brought up the fact she was a woman again, but this was probably because they still thought of her as a priest. What to do? She closed her eyes, preparing to pray and ask Buddha for guidance, when she felt a tickling, wet sensation on her bare foot and screamed.

Startled by the noise, Lister rushed in wearing only his boxers and a bazookoid and yelled "Lights!" Monkey had leapt from the top bunk and was poised for action.

At the foot of Tripitaka's bunk was Pigsy, crouched frozen in the act, his tongue hanging guiltily from his mouth.

"You filthy swine!" Monkey shouted and booted Pigsy's considerable derriere.   


End file.
